Chapter 1 Avoiding Daily Battles

I'm reading "Loving your Child is Not Enough". I'm reviewing each chapter as I go along and sharing with you -partially coz it might be of interest and partially so that I retain some of it.   

I love the title of this chapter -do we even need another chapter? I really love that there are more chapters as I think there has to be more to it than getting though the days. Daily battles can be all consuming in our house at times so I like that it was tackled first. This chapter talks through multiple conversations and situations and it is really easy to see how our own daily battles mirror those in other houses -I felt a little more normal immediately. The following subtopics are covered in some detail:

• Which battles are worth fighting?
• When it isn't negotiable
• Consequences
• What can I do to get my kid to listen?
• Fight starters
• Choices
• Letting the child solve the problem
• Defusers

There were indeed a number of points made that I'm feeling smug about and will feel more confident telling DP that these things matter and there were new messages for me to take on board too. For me there were two main points:

1) Our language is very important as we interact with our children as it is when we interact with any other people. How we phrase things often elicits cooperation or resistance and will undoubtedly have an impact on their self esteem and feelings in the long term too (I'm expecting that to be covered in more detail in later chapters):

• Our children often get bossed around a lot which isn't so pleasant for them and that can work against us in terms of getting their cooperation. Less nagging and shorter "instruction only" sentences. This means we aren't being critical, nagging, getting personal or hurting feelings. With less words the child can't get too confused without criticism. They are encouraged and reminded rather than put down or nagged. The one word rule: keep instructions to one word rather than harping on. "Shoes!" can be a full instruction. 
• Pointing out the natural consequences of behaviour to a child can be far more effective than setting up some artificial punishment. Sometimes they simply are not aware of the causality -"more time getting shoes on means less time at the park -we need to be home by 3."
• Sentences beginning with "you", "if" or "why" are typical fight starters. Try to use I (or we) messages. "As soon as   ?   then   ?   " is a useful phrase that is suggested to replace "no x until the toys are picked up" and other "if....then" arrangements that we might contrive.

2) Deciding what to be firm about and what to let go is a very personal choice in all our interactions with others and this is no easier with our children. This book does not try to dictate that at all (yippee), but it does give some good tips on negotiating these matters with your children:

• Pick your battles: be flexible when you can so then it's ok to be firm when you need to be. Don't fight about smaller things. Where there are limits let the child know what they are and what the options are rather than boxing them in.
• Encouraging the child to come up with solutions to problems is a great strategy. You need to state the problem (at a calm time and not mid crisis) and the solution needs to be agreeable. Often they come up with very acceptable solutions and when it is their own idea they are willing to do it. This also helps to enable them to think about and resolve problems on their own at some point. It's not suggested that you abandon them to solve issues themselves but that they are part of deciding on a way to resolve or avoid the problem.
• Give choices. "I need a hand, can you hold the baby or pick up the toys?"

Of course it's very helpful to read more detail and examples  in the book of how these tips can work or the type of situations each strategy is useful in. I've possibly picked up different things to what you might if you read the book yourself. It's certainly been worth a read and I look forward to chapter 2 -whenever I get around to that!

Personal Application & Reflections

In terms of application to my own children I think this chapter has been most helpful, thought provoking and applicable to my 12 year old daughter. She responds far better to short requests and nagging gets nowhere with her. Creating consequences as a punishment makes her angry and she tries to find ways to resist or revolt. Cooperation is indeed best achieved by negotiation and conversation, choices and coming up with acceptable solutions. At 12 there are higher expectations of independence and we can't do so much for her. There are also a lot more things she wants to do and she is very capable of negotiation. Being the eldest, she's shifting the boundaries on a daily basis and we are learning what we are comfortable with in terms of safety and everything else! We'll know what we are at by time DS is 12- although he's an entirely different little person so I'm sure it will all be new with him! I do think the principles described so far in the book are effective and healthy and I don't see us changing our approach very much -even with different personalities.

Tips have also been somewhat applicable to my 6 year old son right now. He's right rogue and I often find that he doesn't seem to have much awareness of what's sensible and what is not. Throwing stones at cars, or over the wall, spitting, climbing gates, punching ....you couldn't write a list of the things he shouldn't do as he'd just think of more and he seems to have little awareness that those things cross any lines! I think we do try to use many of the strategies described and we talk a lot and explain. I am hoping that he's get more sensible as he gets older. He's very good to help with jobs and gets on well with his siblings mostly. He's pretty good to follow direct instructions really -a little sense now and he'd be fine! He does still have temper tantrums when something is not allowed or doesn't go his way -explaining helps. There are daily battles that need more tips than have been covered so far in the book. I'm hopeful that there will be same ideas later on.

My 3 year old boy we sometimes refer to as "Bash Boom Bang" as he roars this as he storms about the house waking his sister. I'm not sure how much of this chapter was applicable to his meltdowns and loudness. It's constant reminders with him -and plenty of patience. Setting things up so he has space and time to Bash Boom and Bang when it doesn't bother anyone. The chapter does talk about allowing time for smallies to do things slowly and their lack of a sense of time -it's a matter of acceptance of that and coping with it rather than fixing it or hurrying them up. I'll give some of the strategies a shot with him next time he pees in his pants or I find him climbing shelves or having drank all the cordial. Choices? his own solutions? Perhaps picking my battles is the most useful tip with him.  Once he's safe. 

I do think that using the type of language advocated in the book so far and generally negotiating with our children rather than trying to make them do our bidding is important even at 3 and 6. Even at an early age it helps develop good self esteem and prepares them to negotiate behaviour later on.

The baby is only 11 months at the moment so I'm not sure if anything was relevant. We work a little on playing ta-ta where she hands us things as a game to prepare for sharing. I find singing to her and distraction to be the most effective strategies for getting clothes on her and changing nappies -those necessary things....and we certainly pick our battles and try not to distress her. When she's happy we are happy and we work around her needs as much as possible.